How can comfort be found in you? Darkness, the unknown...fear circles just on the outskirts.
They say oil and water don't mix. But you, you prove that wrong. Your embrace is cold and icy, but somehow tender and loving too. Your words chilling, haunting, troublesome. But in those same words comes comfort, tenderness and love.
The path you lead me down is filled with landmines, waiting to explode, taking a part of me as they do. But the loss of a limb, my spirit or soul cannot stop me following you.
Everything about you is like a drug. I willing tie the strap around my arm, puffing the vein, allowing you to fill me, consume me...numb me.
I'm falling backwards, downwards...eyes wide shut. I know I will crash and burn, and you, you will laugh....and comfort will come.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Remembering
My mind whirls today. Flooded by thoughts of life. The long and short of it all.
I sit in my kitchen a cup of steaming coffee in hand, the rain assaults the window. The wind howls outside, the sound loud, much like a train engine. Fancy, my cat walks circles around my ankles, my thoughts interrupted for a moment by her need for affection. I bend, mindlessly petting her. It isn't long before my mind races back to yesterday...the call.
Hello
Orsella, is that you, what's wrong....
Calm down, I can't understand you...
Oh God, when did he pass?
I'm on my way...hold on love....
My best friends father passed from this realm to the next yesterday. It wasn't unexpected, but does that ever make it any easier? I went to her side, stayed with her and her mother all day. Cooking, serving food, listening...what ever they needed. I couldn't help but think back a few years, when it was me...my mum had passed. The feeling of shock, sadness...loss.
Geneva, Orsellas mum asked me if it ever gets easier...I swallowed hard, took her hand and said yes, yes love it will. I lied, but what could I do. Tell her the truth, with the loss still so fresh. What good would it have done to tell her the loss, the ache never leaves, we just learn to deal with it differently as the days pass. Eventually enough time passes and we are able to remember all the good memories, but in truth sometimes that makes it harder...makes us want our loved ones back. So I lied, I lied to help someone I love get by.
I think back to all the people who did the same for me, and I'm grateful. My heart was so broken, how could I have handled knowing the truth? Some days now, the memories hold me like a warm blanket...but not then, then it all seemed to much to carry. Even now, sometimes the thoughts, memories overwhelm...but some days, some few, blessed days I take comfort in them. I allow my self to stay in them.
Today, the rain falls, the wind blows...and I...I am remembering...
I sit in my kitchen a cup of steaming coffee in hand, the rain assaults the window. The wind howls outside, the sound loud, much like a train engine. Fancy, my cat walks circles around my ankles, my thoughts interrupted for a moment by her need for affection. I bend, mindlessly petting her. It isn't long before my mind races back to yesterday...the call.
Hello
Orsella, is that you, what's wrong....
Calm down, I can't understand you...
Oh God, when did he pass?
I'm on my way...hold on love....
My best friends father passed from this realm to the next yesterday. It wasn't unexpected, but does that ever make it any easier? I went to her side, stayed with her and her mother all day. Cooking, serving food, listening...what ever they needed. I couldn't help but think back a few years, when it was me...my mum had passed. The feeling of shock, sadness...loss.
Geneva, Orsellas mum asked me if it ever gets easier...I swallowed hard, took her hand and said yes, yes love it will. I lied, but what could I do. Tell her the truth, with the loss still so fresh. What good would it have done to tell her the loss, the ache never leaves, we just learn to deal with it differently as the days pass. Eventually enough time passes and we are able to remember all the good memories, but in truth sometimes that makes it harder...makes us want our loved ones back. So I lied, I lied to help someone I love get by.
I think back to all the people who did the same for me, and I'm grateful. My heart was so broken, how could I have handled knowing the truth? Some days now, the memories hold me like a warm blanket...but not then, then it all seemed to much to carry. Even now, sometimes the thoughts, memories overwhelm...but some days, some few, blessed days I take comfort in them. I allow my self to stay in them.
Today, the rain falls, the wind blows...and I...I am remembering...
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Stay
Something in the way she looks into my eyes, so deeply so much need...It tells me to run, to get away. But in that same glance is a world of mystery, excitement, a world I know can not be good for me, but yet I long to stay.
I find myself resting in the knowledge that she needs me, wants me. At the same moment my rest is disturbed by fear. Fear of not truly seeing deeper into her eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but her soul is closed for business, curtains drawn tight... a do not enter sign hangs at the door. I stand outside like a wet puppy in a storm. The hope in my eyes fades with each rain drop that falls. I know I should turn and run...but I don't. I stay...
I'm battered, torn. Every muscle in my body screams for relief. I want to know her, her to know me. She smiles, but it reveals nothing. A statue made of ice.
Her words dance across the night "I love you" but the meaning is not there, hidden like her heart. I draw my bow, placing my arrow in the quiver I release "I love you". My words, aimed at her, shatter as they hit the ice. I scramble to piece them back together, but they are lost. Her eyes close, her head dances backward as she laughs. Deep, guttural, almost growling...Her icy hand touches my shoulder, s shiver runs up my spine. In that moment the desire to run leaves me, and the realization I have found home covers me like a warm blanket. I breath deep...I stay.
I find myself resting in the knowledge that she needs me, wants me. At the same moment my rest is disturbed by fear. Fear of not truly seeing deeper into her eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but her soul is closed for business, curtains drawn tight... a do not enter sign hangs at the door. I stand outside like a wet puppy in a storm. The hope in my eyes fades with each rain drop that falls. I know I should turn and run...but I don't. I stay...
I'm battered, torn. Every muscle in my body screams for relief. I want to know her, her to know me. She smiles, but it reveals nothing. A statue made of ice.
Her words dance across the night "I love you" but the meaning is not there, hidden like her heart. I draw my bow, placing my arrow in the quiver I release "I love you". My words, aimed at her, shatter as they hit the ice. I scramble to piece them back together, but they are lost. Her eyes close, her head dances backward as she laughs. Deep, guttural, almost growling...Her icy hand touches my shoulder, s shiver runs up my spine. In that moment the desire to run leaves me, and the realization I have found home covers me like a warm blanket. I breath deep...I stay.
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